Who Are You?

The quarter-life crisis is a real thing. Here I sit, 24 (fewer than 60 days until 25) and I have no idea what I am doing. I was asked what my five year goals are, and I have no idea how to answer that question. How is this woman that I have become?

When I was younger, I always had a plan. I thought I had my life figured out. But here I am, five years later, feeling clueless. The past few days have be interesting because I don't know how to answer the question "Who am I?" I can give nouns to list them, but they're all head nouns, not heart nouns. How do I answer this question. It's freaking me out a little bit.

I feel that I have spent the past few years not knowing who I am with no one to really live life with. Sure, there were people that I interacted with day in and day out, but I didn't actually live life with them. So, here I am. 24. Feeling confused and a bit lost in a new setting. No super close people to live life with. Too many hours spent in front of a screen. Wondering what the heck am I doing.

But even in the midst of confusing, He is still good. He is so good. And this is good. I can praise Him because he will bring peace and guidance through this chaos and confusing.

He is still good.

Mango Milkshakes

I don't spend much time considering what is going on in my life. For someone who used to pride herself on her proactiviness (I know, not a word), I recently realized that I have been living reactively the past year or two. I don't even know when it began, but here I am regardless.

Maybe that is why I have felt so off kilter for the past few years. Truly, I look around and wonder what in the world is going on. Who am I? And I am over examining everything. If we are in the middle of a conversation, the answer is 'yes, I am overthinking it.' 

So, how did I get here? This is the question that I am going to explore through the next few posts, because it seems that my words do a better job revealing my heart and truth than anything else. This I don't overthink as much. 

So, to begin, let's go back two summers. Everything from that summer shines so clearly and brightly in my mind. The colors in York as we sat outside at lunch, the crepe at the Eiffel Tower, the smell of the Middle Eastern air when it first hit me, the humidity that I didn't expect, blueberry vanilla milkshakes, Classic being played softly in the car despite the season, the ants crawling up the wall in our flat, fresh dates, morning prayers, evening praise sessions (stop for music break), car rides to school, potatoes, the flight back home, the prayer for my family,  riding in the convertible with my sister back in the US just everything. 

Now, the English teacher is reprimanding me for that unbearably long run-on fragment. But I'm going to ignore that. 

Those moments are the last full one's I remember. The two years after those seem so fragmented and only partially lived. Reactively.

Currently, I'm trying to understand if this was God's way of teaching me to wait on him. He is the lamp to my feet. He didn't hand me a spotlight to see way down the tunnel. Or have I chosen to place a blindfold over my own eyes because I am scared, and I don't want to see what is really going on. Am I letting fear rule my life? Why does contentment only seem to be a fleeting thing now? How can He continue to love me after all this? 

Is this his answer to my prayers about brokenness? Why do I feel numb? I don't understand. 

So, here I am. Sitting in the dark of my new home, with my sweet kitten at my feet (he's a cat, but he will always be my kitten). On one tab I am watching the Brexit vote and on the other I am here. But, right now, I am asking our good Father to guide me back to him. Because He is always good. He will grant me forgiveness, and He will give me clarity (maybe not now, but someday). He will teach me contentment in all situations. Because He is always good.