The quarter-life crisis is a real thing. Here I sit, 24 (fewer than 60 days until 25) and I have no idea what I am doing. I was asked what my five year goals are, and I have no idea how to answer that question. How is this woman that I have become?
When I was younger, I always had a plan. I thought I had my life figured out. But here I am, five years later, feeling clueless. The past few days have be interesting because I don't know how to answer the question "Who am I?" I can give nouns to list them, but they're all head nouns, not heart nouns. How do I answer this question. It's freaking me out a little bit.
I feel that I have spent the past few years not knowing who I am with no one to really live life with. Sure, there were people that I interacted with day in and day out, but I didn't actually live life with them. So, here I am. 24. Feeling confused and a bit lost in a new setting. No super close people to live life with. Too many hours spent in front of a screen. Wondering what the heck am I doing.
But even in the midst of confusing, He is still good. He is so good. And this is good. I can praise Him because he will bring peace and guidance through this chaos and confusing.
He is still good.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Mango Milkshakes
I don't spend much time considering what is going on in my life. For someone who used to pride herself on her proactiviness (I know, not a word), I recently realized that I have been living reactively the past year or two. I don't even know when it began, but here I am regardless.
Maybe that is why I have felt so off kilter for the past few years. Truly, I look around and wonder what in the world is going on. Who am I? And I am over examining everything. If we are in the middle of a conversation, the answer is 'yes, I am overthinking it.'
So, how did I get here? This is the question that I am going to explore through the next few posts, because it seems that my words do a better job revealing my heart and truth than anything else. This I don't overthink as much.
So, to begin, let's go back two summers. Everything from that summer shines so clearly and brightly in my mind. The colors in York as we sat outside at lunch, the crepe at the Eiffel Tower, the smell of the Middle Eastern air when it first hit me, the humidity that I didn't expect, blueberry vanilla milkshakes, Classic being played softly in the car despite the season, the ants crawling up the wall in our flat, fresh dates, morning prayers, evening praise sessions (stop for music break), car rides to school, potatoes, the flight back home, the prayer for my family, riding in the convertible with my sister back in the US just everything.
Now, the English teacher is reprimanding me for that unbearably long run-on fragment. But I'm going to ignore that.
Those moments are the last full one's I remember. The two years after those seem so fragmented and only partially lived. Reactively.
Currently, I'm trying to understand if this was God's way of teaching me to wait on him. He is the lamp to my feet. He didn't hand me a spotlight to see way down the tunnel. Or have I chosen to place a blindfold over my own eyes because I am scared, and I don't want to see what is really going on. Am I letting fear rule my life? Why does contentment only seem to be a fleeting thing now? How can He continue to love me after all this?
Is this his answer to my prayers about brokenness? Why do I feel numb? I don't understand.
So, here I am. Sitting in the dark of my new home, with my sweet kitten at my feet (he's a cat, but he will always be my kitten). On one tab I am watching the Brexit vote and on the other I am here. But, right now, I am asking our good Father to guide me back to him. Because He is always good. He will grant me forgiveness, and He will give me clarity (maybe not now, but someday). He will teach me contentment in all situations. Because He is always good.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Harvest Season
Eighteen months ago, I began praying for God to humble me. I also began praying for him to take away many of my earthly dependences. I want to learn to be more dependent on God and less dependent on myself and on my friends. Well, He does like to answer prayer. So praise God for being faithful, but this journey of faith we walk is not an easy path.
Eighteen months ago, one of my dearest friends began to be pulled away. This was an answer to prayer, for I had been praying that I wouldn't be allowed to continue deepening a relationship that had become unhealthy for my mind and heart. In his infinite grace, he answer. That individual has become someone that I hardly recognize anymore.
Fourteen months ago, I asked Father to let me go overseas and truly begin preparing for a long-term path of overseas service. He answered this prayer sending me into a beautifully rich season of growth. He allowed me to walk with sisters through a hungry nation that has been a drought for years. He allowed me to love deeply and learn graciously. He grew me and showed me what could be.
Twelve months ago, He told me to come home. Originally, I has horrified (I still sort of am). How could my great and loving Father possibly want to send me home? There is such great need outside of my church-filled and empty-hearted country. They had their opportunity, and they had access to the truth of the Son. But millions, billions, around the world were not so fortunate. I was prepared to go. Hungry to go. The perfect candidate. I don't like being planted with deep roots. I don't like roots, and I love change and flexibility. But he wanted me to come home. Indefinitely.
Eleven months ago, I began to teach again. I began to be angry with my Father. I began attaching my heart and mind to things that would not please him. I have a natural inclination to rely on myself and on my strength. Pride is my biggest struggle in my walk with God. The idea of total surrender is terrifying. But it is exactly what he asks of me. "And he said to all, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" -Luke 9:23
I never really went through rebellion against my parents, but a rebellion again my true Father began. I chose that I could dictate the direction of my life. My pride allowed me to decide that I was great and I was being super righteous. Under the pretense of making God-honoring decisions, holy decisions, I started acting pridefully. But this time, my rebellion was full of consciousness. I chose to make poor decisions, use my time poorly, and develop unwise relationships. People seemed disinterested and trusting that I was following God's guidance. I wasn't. No one seemed to care or notice.
Eight months ago, I began to hurt people that cared for me because of my pride. The first person that I had allowed to care for me was stepped on in my angry tantrum toward God. Why was no one caring? Why was no one rebuking me? Why were people allowing me to act this way? But it was more than that. I was searching for the God that I was throwing a fit against. I was searching for him in the approval of others. Then when they didn't satisfy me, as only God can, I became disappointed in them and even more, disappointed and discouraged by my chosen rebellion.
Six months ago, I continued to run toward the world. The temptations of the hungry enemy began to look enticing. Everyone else was running toward them. Maybe the populous had the right idea. Maybe they didn't know the truth, but maybe they were striving correctly. My twisted thinking seems strange now that I am writing it. But the ways of the world are a confusing path that allows us to continue striving in a sedated race. When we aren't allowed to "taste and see" we just run faster and harder and starve.
Strangely enough, I see now, that my actions and responses were very two-faced. I did one thing, and I knew it was wrong. I did something and spoke against it. I stood for God publicly, but I cowered in the darkness and did the opposite. Chasing the wind. Giving in to temptations seemed much simpler than denying myself and following Christ.
Five months ago, my loneliness and distance from God was being filled with work and jobs and a striving after the solid ground. Someone popped up, and I let my heart quickly reattach itself to this person. Foolish me, trying to put my hope back in man and relationships, not in the only one who will satisfy. I convinced myself it was good, and right. I even did so under the guise of prayer and faith.
I have realized that our sedated lives don't allow us to recognize the depravity of this spinning world. We are a media-saturated, easily-entertained, and over-worked people that don't slow to see that we are running the wrong direction. The temporal overruns the eternal, so we have to learn to run more quickly to experience the immediate satisfactions that can be found in the temporal. And I'm good at it. But in the end, the beautiful Spirit that God places within us doesn't allow for such wanderings without a yearning for truth and clarity. Now, I am infinitely grateful.
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” -CS Lewis
Four months ago, I consciously recognized that my world is not what it used to be. My community is not what it used to be. And I can't compare my current situation to that which my friends are experiencing, or what I experience in college, or what I experienced over the summer. Community will look differently everywhere I go. And that is good. That is beautiful. But that is really hard.
Two months ago, school ended and I began running again. Running in a new job and summer that was consumed with more work and more learning. I have this uncanny ability to convince people that I am something I am not sure I actually am. I feel that I have convince some people that I am more than I am. I don't know if I am over-selling myself or I am undervaluing myself. Either way, both are prideful.
This summer has found itself full of dissatisfaction, frustration, disappointment, depression, and dark spaces. I have been angry because no one has seemed to notice or care. Community now is not one that I desire. But I am not in an environment where humans can encourage me constantly to walk boldly with God. I am trying not to be discouraged by my community and my location. I also am recognizing that God is answering the prayer I prayed eighteen months ago...to lean more desperately on him. To cling to him for my encouragement and strength and guidance in everything.
Five days ago, another door closed on a relationship and dear friend. It was this door that hit me in the face the hardest. I am striving after the wind. And my God, in his beautiful grace and guidance is gently guiding me toward him. Oh, it is hard. Oh, it hurts. Oh, it is good.
My journal for this season has been filled with the phrase, "And if not, He is still good."
My good Father has been slowly guiding me through a muddy season. A muddy season that has been full of falls, and separations, and cuts. But he is still good.
Isaiah 43:1b-4
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life..."
This is a harvest season that is still good, because at the end of harvest we have a great celebration and begin preparing for the next season. But this harvest has been one filled with feelings of loss. That which I worked so hard to care for, and raise up, and grow, but now their has been a harvest, and I feel loss.
But He is still good.
I praise him for the Spirit which he put within me. A spirit that is good. A spirit that discerns truth for me and has revealed to me that I am walking in pride and selfishness. A spirit that will not allow this world to satisfy me. I praise him for fellowship that rebukes me and encourages me in truth. I praise him for no fellowship and a word that is truth. I praise him for Job, who lost everything and tore his clothes and praised God. I praise him for rain storms and struggles and fires and floods. I praise him for every struggle, because it is in these struggles that he draws me to himself. I praise him because "God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ dies for us...For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God b the death of his Son, much mow now that were reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More that the, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." - Romans 5:8-11
Because He is still good. Eternally steady and good.
Eighteen months ago, one of my dearest friends began to be pulled away. This was an answer to prayer, for I had been praying that I wouldn't be allowed to continue deepening a relationship that had become unhealthy for my mind and heart. In his infinite grace, he answer. That individual has become someone that I hardly recognize anymore.
Fourteen months ago, I asked Father to let me go overseas and truly begin preparing for a long-term path of overseas service. He answered this prayer sending me into a beautifully rich season of growth. He allowed me to walk with sisters through a hungry nation that has been a drought for years. He allowed me to love deeply and learn graciously. He grew me and showed me what could be.
Twelve months ago, He told me to come home. Originally, I has horrified (I still sort of am). How could my great and loving Father possibly want to send me home? There is such great need outside of my church-filled and empty-hearted country. They had their opportunity, and they had access to the truth of the Son. But millions, billions, around the world were not so fortunate. I was prepared to go. Hungry to go. The perfect candidate. I don't like being planted with deep roots. I don't like roots, and I love change and flexibility. But he wanted me to come home. Indefinitely.
Eleven months ago, I began to teach again. I began to be angry with my Father. I began attaching my heart and mind to things that would not please him. I have a natural inclination to rely on myself and on my strength. Pride is my biggest struggle in my walk with God. The idea of total surrender is terrifying. But it is exactly what he asks of me. "And he said to all, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" -Luke 9:23
I never really went through rebellion against my parents, but a rebellion again my true Father began. I chose that I could dictate the direction of my life. My pride allowed me to decide that I was great and I was being super righteous. Under the pretense of making God-honoring decisions, holy decisions, I started acting pridefully. But this time, my rebellion was full of consciousness. I chose to make poor decisions, use my time poorly, and develop unwise relationships. People seemed disinterested and trusting that I was following God's guidance. I wasn't. No one seemed to care or notice.
Eight months ago, I began to hurt people that cared for me because of my pride. The first person that I had allowed to care for me was stepped on in my angry tantrum toward God. Why was no one caring? Why was no one rebuking me? Why were people allowing me to act this way? But it was more than that. I was searching for the God that I was throwing a fit against. I was searching for him in the approval of others. Then when they didn't satisfy me, as only God can, I became disappointed in them and even more, disappointed and discouraged by my chosen rebellion.
Six months ago, I continued to run toward the world. The temptations of the hungry enemy began to look enticing. Everyone else was running toward them. Maybe the populous had the right idea. Maybe they didn't know the truth, but maybe they were striving correctly. My twisted thinking seems strange now that I am writing it. But the ways of the world are a confusing path that allows us to continue striving in a sedated race. When we aren't allowed to "taste and see" we just run faster and harder and starve.
Strangely enough, I see now, that my actions and responses were very two-faced. I did one thing, and I knew it was wrong. I did something and spoke against it. I stood for God publicly, but I cowered in the darkness and did the opposite. Chasing the wind. Giving in to temptations seemed much simpler than denying myself and following Christ.
Five months ago, my loneliness and distance from God was being filled with work and jobs and a striving after the solid ground. Someone popped up, and I let my heart quickly reattach itself to this person. Foolish me, trying to put my hope back in man and relationships, not in the only one who will satisfy. I convinced myself it was good, and right. I even did so under the guise of prayer and faith.
I have realized that our sedated lives don't allow us to recognize the depravity of this spinning world. We are a media-saturated, easily-entertained, and over-worked people that don't slow to see that we are running the wrong direction. The temporal overruns the eternal, so we have to learn to run more quickly to experience the immediate satisfactions that can be found in the temporal. And I'm good at it. But in the end, the beautiful Spirit that God places within us doesn't allow for such wanderings without a yearning for truth and clarity. Now, I am infinitely grateful.
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” -CS Lewis
Four months ago, I consciously recognized that my world is not what it used to be. My community is not what it used to be. And I can't compare my current situation to that which my friends are experiencing, or what I experience in college, or what I experienced over the summer. Community will look differently everywhere I go. And that is good. That is beautiful. But that is really hard.
Two months ago, school ended and I began running again. Running in a new job and summer that was consumed with more work and more learning. I have this uncanny ability to convince people that I am something I am not sure I actually am. I feel that I have convince some people that I am more than I am. I don't know if I am over-selling myself or I am undervaluing myself. Either way, both are prideful.
This summer has found itself full of dissatisfaction, frustration, disappointment, depression, and dark spaces. I have been angry because no one has seemed to notice or care. Community now is not one that I desire. But I am not in an environment where humans can encourage me constantly to walk boldly with God. I am trying not to be discouraged by my community and my location. I also am recognizing that God is answering the prayer I prayed eighteen months ago...to lean more desperately on him. To cling to him for my encouragement and strength and guidance in everything.
Five days ago, another door closed on a relationship and dear friend. It was this door that hit me in the face the hardest. I am striving after the wind. And my God, in his beautiful grace and guidance is gently guiding me toward him. Oh, it is hard. Oh, it hurts. Oh, it is good.
My journal for this season has been filled with the phrase, "And if not, He is still good."
My good Father has been slowly guiding me through a muddy season. A muddy season that has been full of falls, and separations, and cuts. But he is still good.
Isaiah 43:1b-4
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life..."
This is a harvest season that is still good, because at the end of harvest we have a great celebration and begin preparing for the next season. But this harvest has been one filled with feelings of loss. That which I worked so hard to care for, and raise up, and grow, but now their has been a harvest, and I feel loss.
But He is still good.
I praise him for the Spirit which he put within me. A spirit that is good. A spirit that discerns truth for me and has revealed to me that I am walking in pride and selfishness. A spirit that will not allow this world to satisfy me. I praise him for fellowship that rebukes me and encourages me in truth. I praise him for no fellowship and a word that is truth. I praise him for Job, who lost everything and tore his clothes and praised God. I praise him for rain storms and struggles and fires and floods. I praise him for every struggle, because it is in these struggles that he draws me to himself. I praise him because "God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ dies for us...For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God b the death of his Son, much mow now that were reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More that the, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." - Romans 5:8-11
Because He is still good. Eternally steady and good.
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